#I just also know that a lot of people can't handle my intensity and so. if they want to try that's on them

[apricotbuncakes]

OP is so fucking awesome for including the sexual intrusive thoughts because yeah. People do have them. And they are distressing. But they're one of the types of intrusive thoughts that are hardest to open up about and seek help for, because they're so terrifying to admit you have. Like, even in therapy, I can't admit that I have them because I don't want my therapist to think that I actually want to act on them. I don't!! I really really don't. And having those thoughts are fucking awful.

I have to actively avoid the people I like if the thoughts get too intense, to try and redirect my line of thinking to something else before I can see them again. Because if I don't, the thoughts persist and persist, taking over my regular thoughts until I can't think of anything else but those horrible actions (and this applies to my intrusive thoughts about murder too, not just sexual ones).

People have started saying 'intrusive thoughts' when they mean 'impulsive thoughts' so when someone with genuine intrusive thoughts is honest about what that's like and what their thoughts say, people who have conflated the two assume "oh this person actually wants to act on their intrusive thought". Which yeah, if that were true would be awful in a lot of cases (not all intrusive thoughts are violent acts, such as the mind readers example, but that doesn't mean they aren't distressing or intrusive). But the definition of intrusive is 'unwanted, invasive'. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted and invasive thoughts that people do not want and do not want to act on.

Actually, one of the best videos I've ever seen about this is Thomas Sanders' Sanders Side episode about intrusive thoughts, and how to handle them. It genuinely helped me so much in addressing mine and I always recommend it, because through the acting, Thomas shows what it's like internally to have unwanted and invasive thoughts, and it doesn't shame the people who have intrusive thoughts in the process.

In the episode it's revealed that Thomas' intrusive thoughts are an extension of his creativity, but specifically the creativity he has shunned for being 'wrong'. (This isn't a one to one with my experience, I don't see my intrusive thoughts as part of my creativity, but the rest of this does apply to me). Thomas learns that trying to ignore the thoughts will only make them worse, and that to handle them he has to acknowledge that they exist, but also acknowledge that they don't make him a bad person for having them. Clearly he doesn't want to do the things the thoughts tell him to.

For myself, I've realized the best way to help with my intrusive thoughts is using them for creativity. I use fanfiction and put my intrusive thoughts in them, using my Blorbos to get the thoughts out and associate them with something creative rather than just the actions itself. It's why I have so many fanfics with noncon in them. I absolutely do not condone those actions. I'm just using the fanfics to get the thoughts I don't like out of my head (and I ALWAYS tag them appropriately so people coming across my fics know that there's dark content involved so they can avoid it). I also use them to examine parts of myself with related trauma, assigning aspects of my perspective of the situation to different characters.

It's also why I'm a huge advocate for no censorship in creative works. Because I know that just because someone writes something or someone doing a bad thing, that doesn't mean they condone it. I sure as hell do not condone the actions in my fics spawned from intrusive thoughts, but I still write them because it's a creative outlet, a way to get rid of the nasty buggers. And when I'm done I balance it out with something more positive to take my mind off things.

TLDR; Sexual intrusive thoughts are fucking awful things to have and are very distressing. People who have intrusive thoughts do not want to act on them because by definition the intrusive thoughts are unwanted and invasive.

[punch-love]

Aren’t you scared of someone reading your journals? Maybe I’m just too paranoid but I never write down anything or take a picture of something I am not okay with someone one day seeing without my permission

one time someone found my journal at a camp I was working at and read half of it before stopping because they were crying too hard and found it all too painful to read. and then told me, because they felt so guilty. which honestly I found kind of rewarding. like, fuck around and truly find out. not fun up there huh?

[lady-of-endless]

Things you do that make their heart melt

(La Squadra x reader)

Author's Note: Those are random but that's the point. I tried to be a bit explicit for those who are at the start of Jojo part 5 and maybe don't remember each character's Stand name or ability. I couldn't write this only for my 3 darlings from La Squadra as I started it because I love them all too much. Proud La Squadra stan. Excuse any grammar mistakes. Enjoy!

Risotto Nero

- How you can balance being serious and being affectionate so easily. This is something he admires a lot and wishes to be capable of too sometimes. Yes, he's a serious and stoic man but the whole La Squadra knows just how big his heart is. Sometimes Risotto wishes he could show a bit of affection to the ones dear to him. Risotto is a softie inside but the nature of his occupation forces him to be as reserved and stern as he is now.

- How you can protect yourself. Being a hitman is tough, nothing new under the sun, but being the leader of the team is even worse. It's hard to watch out for others when he also must make sure that everything is working out smoothly. But he cares about you and your safety so damn much it's almost dangerous. So seeing you handle enemies alone helps him fall asleep at night with fewer worries. Also, watching you fight and come up with strategies makes him smile slightly and so subtly that of course, no one can notice it.

- How you look dressed in black with silver accessories. Aesthetically wise, black is one of his favorite colors and no one can tell otherwise. When you decide to match him with a dark outfit, his gaze will follow you more than usual. Be sure of the fact that he'll use his Stand, Metallica, to give you subtle signals, or not so subtle, by pulling onto your belt or necklace.

(it's loving Risotto hours)

Prosciutto

- How you calm yourself down after an intense moment. Prosciutto himself is not proud of when he snaps at people, thinking that it's not graceful behavior so he starts studying you from afar while calming down. He analyzes your soft tone, your calm face but alert eyes after being harsh, to learn from you but he finds himself falling for it. Like his brother, he also craves a bit of softness in his life but will never admit it, not even to himself so seeing you simmer down and transform into someone calm and understanding makes him want your presence more.

- How you counter him when he is too cruel to his brother. He is harsh with Pesci and he knows it, but he thinks it's only for good. It's not about how you're stubborn enough to argue with him but about how it reminds him that if something ever goes wrong with him on a mission, someone else will make sure that his brother is still alright and progressing. Also, as you two are arguing, things get pretty heated in no time and as the distance between you closes in, everyone knows that it's better to leave you two alone.

- How focused you look when deciding on an outfit. That and how you ask him for an opinion. You can see him leaning back in an armchair just looking at you searching through your clothes with an amused but admirative look on his face. Prosciutto likes to make himself look presentable and if you do the same, he can't help but find that fact attractive. Plus he can play dress up with you without you even suspecting it and he can't get enough of it.

(why is he like that? Love him though)

Ghiaccio

- How you let yourself be angry sometimes. To him, almost anyone seems calmer than him, but seeing someone being as furious as him from time to time and that someone being you? That's new. It doesn't happen often and in some odd way, he finds it fascinating. As much as he enjoys teasing you, he'll never be the type to say "Just calm down" or "You're exaggerating" because he knows how much it enrages someone already angry to hear this. He will be very understanding when you're like that. Plus, if someone or something gets you angry, he gets angry too so it will end up with the two of you being a scary couple.

- How your eyes shine when you smile and your smile in general. He is baffled by how when your lips are curved into a smile, your eyes are radiant too. Usually, he uses this expressiveness of yours against you, teasing you about it but when you smile so warmly, he feels like he's looking at the sun and that's unnerving because it makes him blush. He can't understand it.

- How your nose scrunches when you get a brain freeze from consuming something cold. This along with how your cheeks and nose redden when you're cold. He rolls his eyes at himself for like such a shallow and obvious thing but can't help it. It's not how adorable you look it's more how no one notices such details but him. It's his guilty pleasure. He has a kink when it comes to your reactions to cold temperatures.

(ugh I love him so much it's pathetic)

Pesci

- How you encourage him randomly sometimes. Pesci's already having a hard time adjusting to hitman life and constantly being scolded by his brother. At first, when you encourage him, he's stunned, flustered, embarrassed even but in time he starts to feel so much better overall because of it. His stress goes down and he gets more confident and sure of his actions because of your praise.

- How you're kind to the innocent - animals, kids, etc. Since he followed his brother and joined the team, the shock from seeing so much violence in his life all of a sudden left a mark on him. When he notices you being soft to the innocent and helpless while still being a hitman, he starts to heal. His only wish is for you to keep this side of yours so he can keep his too.

- How peaceful you look while sleeping. Again, being in an Italian hitman team is not easy, it distorted any perspective on peacefulness he had before. Seeing you rest without a frown on your face reminds him that there still is peacefulness in this way of living.

Melone

- How you're intelligent enough but don't flaunt it. Sure, he likes good looks but that's not as important as intelligence, any type. Melone is a bit of a sapiosexual, he knows it. If you come up with smart questions during meetings, his attention is immediately on you from that point on until the end of the meeting. Also, if you're genuinely curious about how his stand, Baby Face, works, it only adds to your charm.

- How you pick up on his "di molto" catchphrase. Melone works a lot. I mean A LOT. Besides progenation, he's skilled at finding out hidden info about the target, too. But usually, he does it alone, no one accompanies him and sometimes he can't help but feel slightly ignored. So when you start spending enough time with him to start using his phrases, he starts to feel less alone.

- How you walk. Simple as that. He has been caught many times staring at how some people walk, it's a well-known fact. So if you walk a bit slower and move your hips a bit more intentionally, making it look natural, he's dead. To hell with the mission for a few moments of pure admiration.

Illuso

- How confident you are. You don't need him to hype you up and he won't, but you'll always catch him looking at you with a proud look on his face. However, not everyone can be confident all the time and Illuso knows it very well. When he finds you letting your guard down and looking disappointed with yourself, he'll act right away. He hates seeing you struggle with shallow insecurities as you are just so wonderful in his eyes...

- How you take time to relax. He always insists on you taking everything a bit more slowly, so when you finally do it, he's more than pleased. He likes to see your facial muscles loosen up, causing a relaxed expression. He wishes to see it more often and he wishes for you to prioritise taking care of yourself.

- How you study yourself in the mirror while getting ready. He will use his Stand's ability to enter that mirror's dimension just to look at you from that perspective. This applies to intimate moments as well, just a heads-up. However, his favorite moment to do that is when you're fixing your hair, there's something about it that he finds so damn attractive.

Formaggio

- How you focus on the mission at hand. That, and how serious you look while doing it. Don't get it wrong, he's also focused on the missions but he looks more laid-back, like a natural. He finds it funny and adorable how you look so stern and even suggest him to pay more attention.

- How you always mention Sorbet and Gelato after their death. Everyone knows that Risotto said to forget about it after the funeral to focus on getting back on track as fast as possible and avenging them afterward but to Formaggio, this never felt right. So when you mention a memory from time to time to everyone, his heart feels a little bit lighter.

- How you dance to your favorite songs. He thinks that the majority of members of La Squadra are too stiff and grim sometimes so catching you dancing around alone to your playlist makes him smile. For him, it's like a breath of fresh air. Expect him to join you.

[000marie198]

I've grown up in a desert. Temperatures go up to 44 during daytime on a normal day, no matter the season besides winter.

I can handle 35 no problem.

I remember in high school my geography teacher said humans will choose to live in unbeatable heat over unbearable cold, but nearly every single person I've met in my life has said they'd rather die in the cold than live in the heat, so now I thought to myself why not outsource this question!

no fahrenheit because if i have to google the answers on polls with no celcius, so do you

[drdemonprince]

so recently a girl I was hanging out w (we're both trans girls) indicated that she wanted to dominate me in the way I've wanted my whole life but I've never received (mostly not physical, sweet, predominantly psychological, soft, playing w the power dynamics, etc.). Since then I've been feeling some relief but also intense desperation, like I've been starving all my life and I've only just realized, and now the hunger pangs are eating into me.

I was just wondering if this resonates w how you understand kink and where this desperation could be coming from. I'm autistic, so I was wondering if it's desperation for the need to unmask? Or if it's about the shame of having kinky desires, and the relief that comes from getting affirmed that those things are ok? Is it really about a need for care, which I have received very little of my whole life? Or if I'm overthinking it— could I just have a deep gnawing hunger for submission in and of itself, where submission is, for me, as important as breathing?

Of course, I know you can't explain my own emotions, but any insight you have into the tangled web of desire, desperation, hunger, kink, care, relief, autism, trans shit, and isolation would be v v v appreciated. ty dr demon prince :)

I think what you might be responding so strongly to is the opportunity to express a side of yourself that normally has zero outlet. We can call it headspaces, or alters, or escapism, or playing a role, and certainly it has to do a lot with letting go and unmasking -- but the universal human explanation is that who were are is largely socially instantiated, and that it is impossible for us to be certain versions of ourselves without that self being welcomed, catered to, and interplayed with by another person -- the right person, in the right dynamic.

Kink can be so beautiful because it allows sides of ourselves that rarely find expression to interplay with others' also hidden or hard-to-activate sides. With one partner of mine, I get to be a slobbering obedient puppy for their nurturing, yet controlling mommy. Both of us are able to access sides of who we are that feel unreachable in everyday life, or unsafe to express. For them it's a gender euphoric experience that doesn't line up with their day-to-day identity and presentation; for me it's an escape from my mental burdens and the relief of being cared for. Yet it's also deeper. By playing at this long-lasting pet-handler relationship, I get to activate layers of trust and vulnerability with them that it would normally take years of processing and the exact right circumstances to reach. I get to collapse into their arms wailing without having actually been put through any real emotional ringer. I can be completely waylaid with emotion and need and become briefly dependent upon them and let them have full control over my body, without actually having to lose any of my freedom or having to worry about whether they can handle it.

That's just a personal and recent example. But I often feel that within kinky, headspacey social contexts, a different side of me is free to express itself and my ego doesn't have to mediate or hold the reins. I feel the same thing at Furfest, though it's not always sexual. I can just be a friendly, silly, huggy deer, and meet other people for their playful animal/toony energy too. Because we are all just being silly animals, I can relate to people that I might have very little in common with in terms of my day-to-day life. We don't have to talk about work, or our families, or political economy -- we can just dance and get stoned, cuddle and eat snacks, play videogames, compliment one another's outfits, live in the present right before us. all the over-intellectualization that normally separates me from people is just gone, and some more primordial feeling of animal comraderie is there.

And I miss that feeling of ease and friendliness DESPERATELY once furfest ends. It feels at times that when a bond or a social context like this disappears that some essential part of myself has been TAKEN from me. Because it doesn't just dwell within me. I can't just enjoy it alone at home. It has to operate within a living social dynamic.

It may be something like that for you. When I first discovered there was an entire community devoted to erotic hypnosis, my lifelong fetish, the universe seemed to open up with possibility and I was elated. I no longer felt doomed to a joyless daily existence. It turned out I could have real, meaningful fun, connect to other people, do something new that touched new parts of my brain. I could experience some of the sensations I had only ever dreamed about and believed were impossible to realize in actual life. I wanted to live in the hypno world forever (and I did get myself into some weeks-long waking trances that kinda mentally fucked me up because I was in such a frenzy, oops). It's a kind of love, finding your spaces, finding your people, finding the contexts in which some sacred part of you is free. It's a love of yourself, and the other person, and the context -- it's a love of being alive, which is often so sorely needed for those of us who are wired in such a way as regular life is usually unfulfilling or painful.

[olderthannetfic]

Ayyy, there seems to be a lot of older people among the regular commenters of this blog so I'm gonna shoot my shot and ask for advice.

Idk if it's just the clinical depression but I can't help but feel like I'm never gonna find love as a straight girl. I don't hate men at all -- I've been very lucky to be surrounded by decent dudes growing up but shit. Lookin at the state of the world rn... Gen Z dudes chugging misogynist bullshit at alarming rates, women like Gisele Pelicot going through unspeakable shit from their own husbands... it's hard not to feel cynical. On top of that the decent dudes I know irl are all taken, I don't wanna go on dating apps, and as much as I wanna fuck an older man no decent one is gonna settle for a depressed young woman who's a 4 at best...

It's not that i don't have fulfilling friendships or that I don't value them, I just want to love and care for (and get dicked down by) a decent guy who feels the same way. I've always wanted that and I don't think it's changing anytime soon. Feels impossible though. I'm not sure if I'm the problem (I'm plain faced at best, no fashion sense or charm to speak of, though I do my best to be polite and kind) or there's just shit going on I've no control over.

--

People will give you a lot of placating nonsense, but the reality is that the supply of reasonably okay straight women is much higher than the supply of reasonably okay straight men. Finding a fulfilling long-term relationship is always hard anyway, but man... straight guys really need to step it up.

That said, a lot of people in general and straight guys in particular learn a lot from the breakdown of their first marriage/long-term relationship. Just because a guy is listening to godawful manosphere podcasts today doesn't mean he's never going to be dateable later.

Research on dating apps suggests that your average guy responds to pics where women have a lot of makeup on by looking for a hookup, passes by the ones with no makeup, and finds the ones with a little lipstick or something but not heavy makeup the most dateable.

While it would be nice if appearance didn't matter, if you're really worried about this, there are some basic things you can do where you'll get a lot of bang for your buck: Find one lipstick you can stand and learn to apply it. I like Bésame Cosmetics because I am a nerd and they sponsored a local film noir festival. Peggy Carter's lipstick was from them. They have the advantage of being intensely pigmented, so a quick swipe gives full coverage. I hate having shit on my face in general, so that's helpful. If eye stuff is less bleurgghhhh than lip stuff, learn to apply eyeliner instead. There are some liquid ones I really like even if it takes some practice to get decent at painting them on. You don't need a full face of makeup or really much of anything to read as Hot Girl™ to people who don't know anything about makeup and aren't paying much attention. Yes, even if you're a 4 and it's not just the depression talking.

Charm is hard. Some things can be taught, but a lot of that's innate. Fashion, however, is not. You don't need to be a fashionista to look better than a lot of the people around you. Save your money for fewer, better outfits. Buy things that fit well and get things tailored. Don't settle for ill-fitting clothes that don't make you feel good. Look for natural fibers and clothing that will last a long time. (And if you think you have sensitive skin that cannot handle natural fibers, you need to go up several price points on your cotton. Just saying.)

You can also increase your chances by doing activities where you meet more people who might be a good match. This means finding hobbies that actually have straight guys in them and going to in-person things where you meet new people. (This sounds obvious and pedantic, but I cannot tell you how many women I know who want a boyfriend but only do social things that are 95% women and 5% gay men.)

But the biggest thing you can do to stand out is... well... work on that depression. Self confidence and obviously being in a good place in your life are very attractive. Also, the good catches who haven't been snapped up tend to be the quiet, shy people. If you have your own shit together enough to detect and pursue them, you have a better chance of finding someone great.

I get that ~fix your depression~ is not helpful advice, but working on yourself in both important and relatively superficial ways is something you can control. Meeting the right person is not.

It might help to look at this as a 5-10-year goal and/or a lifetime goal, not a "Oh my god, my life sucks this year" problem. Yes, there's shit going on that you have no control over, but if that's your career and mental health and so on, you can work on that and be in a different place in a few years.

Frankly, I think a certain amount of cynicism is warranted, but that doesn't mean there are no decent guys or that you'll never find one.

[hwnglx]

this combo of sag and scorpio energy in him is crazy..

sunghoon's ideal type

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

shuffled song: stand still by sabrina claudio

physical traits

watery and striking eyes. (when their eyes just stand out, he thinks lighter colored or blue eyes are beautiful) classic and traditional beauty. conventionally attractive. powerful presence, turns everyone's heads. feminine and elegant. gorgeous and blinding smile. longer and flowy hair. taller height. water or fire risings! i keep seeing margot robbie or anne hathaway.

personality traits

the immediate vibe i got for sunghoon, is that he wants someone invested. and when i say invested, i mean fully. i've said this a lot at this point, but sunghoon has such a dynamic chart, which shows this clear difference in character according to who he's with. he can either be the most easygoing and laidback, or the most intense and passionate person in the room. just put his lover (or someone he deeply cherishes) next to him, and you'll literally see the gaze in his eyes change.

sunghoon wants someone who can handle his intense nature in love. someone who resembles it to a degree, because otherwise they might get overwhelmed or not understand it. he really needs his and his partners love language, and their values in relationships to correlate. he wants to feel like he shares the same passion as his lover, and not get the impression that he's the only one holding on so tightly, when his partner is just kinda meh about it all. he wants a deep and intimate connection, that goes beyond what anyone else could understand. he wants a person he can have a relationship with, that is separate from all the rest, and special and extraordinary in his life. he draws a clear line between the people he holds extra close to his heart, and his standard “friends”. there's this version of sunghoon only his lovers could tell you about.

he likes it when someone won't get intimidated by his intensity. who can hold their ground firmly, not falter under his gaze. he also likes someone who's just very affectionate and romantic. a person who won't be afraid or too shy to be direct in their display of love for him. he wants someone who knows how to love someone in a proper way, who's good at making him feel loved. i also keep hearing “mother of my children” this man is all about longterm commitment. he wants a family-oriented woman who'd be a good mother. responsible and reliable, but also soft and nurturing.

sunghoon loves the idea of a lengthy relationship. he likes sharing history and memories with his lover. i can see him liking the thought of growing old and maturing with his partner, going through various stages together. he wants his lover to be like an “인생 친구” which means lifelong friend. again, it'd give them this special ability to know each other in and out, have things or inside jokes only the two of them understand.

sunghoon also needs his lover to understand that, although he'll be incredibly zoned in on their relationship, he still has goals and achievements of his own, which he won't neglect for their connection. his job requires a lot of work and time, and the possibility of him not always being there 24/7 shouldn't be a problem for his partner. especially because, he truly wants them to trust him. he is not the type to cheat or look elsewhere if he's in a committed relationship. he wants his lover to understand that, and tolerate his personal ambitions. i can also see him liking the thought of his partner having their own ambitions. he enjoys the thought of both of them being goal-driven and hardworking, but once they come together, they can't see anything but each other. in comparison to some other people, sunghoon definitely likes his lovers to resemble him, rather than be entirely different. i can just see him and a gemini venus being extremely difficult. (funny because sunoo is one and yeah.. their relationship is rather complicated)

him as a boyfriend

+ he's a boyfriend who doesn't rush into anything. very slow burning energy. in the beginning stages, sunghoon will be very curious about you as a person. he prefers getting to know his lovers thoroughly first, really getting a grip on their character, understanding their desires and values before taking the next step. he wants to make sure you're on the same wavelength with him, and get this feeling you're the right one, before investing so much of himself into the relationship. he thinks deep and intimate connections between two people who effortlessly understand each other, require a lot of patience. you just have to know each other's every aspect, he'll definitely want to be the only one to know some secrets, you do not tell anyone else about.

he's an amazing listener. he'll enjoy sitting there listening to you talk about yourself for hours and not get tired of it. literally stare in to your soul while you keep rambling. only interrupt you to ask questions and deepen the conversation.

he's definitely a sucker for intimacy, especially in places where he, and no one would expect it. like whispering things in his ear in public could probably make this man melt. i also keep seeing him hold hands with his partner in public and literally squeeze the hell out of their hand, in this possessive manner. like he's telling you “you're mine and with me.” in a wordless manner. there'll be a lot of silent communication between you, you'll just get each other right away.

there's also a very considerate and calm energy to him, where he'll display this source of peace for you. this is something i've observed about scorpio placements, especially venus', they're very.. understanding towards overemotional people. they can handle people's emotional outbursts, and mostly don't get consumed by it. on the contrary, a lot of the times, they quietly allow you to get your emotions and frustrations out, validate your feelings and not make you feel overdramatic, and try to talk things out calmly with you. let's say sunghoon gets into a fight with his partner; if you start getting angry and throwing things and losing your mind, he's the type to just sigh and sit there and control his own emotions silently while listening to you. he'll probably give you a little time to calm down, and once he feels you're ready to be talked to again, he'll try and talk the matter out in a more rational manner. very emotionally mature and compassionate energy in him. (interesting since i remember in my collective enha ideal type reading, he seemed to struggle with this. he seems to have grown a lot)

- sunghoon can be very hot or cold. it's like once he's with you, everything's great and a fairytale and you feel amazing, but once he's away, it's easy to feel like he forgot about you. he's very busy, so it can be a common occurrence for him to forget replying to you, not talk to you for days, make you feel left alone, because his love can be quite addicting. it's easy to feel dependent on scorpio venus', because they literally make you feel like life without them would be awful. even if you confronted him about this, he could get discontent with you giving him such a hard time about something he can't help. sunghoon draws a clear line between his personal and professional life, which he wants his partners to respect.

i do not see him cheating or doing anything wild, he's extremely loyal. he will not look at any other woman if he's a taken man. however, sunghoon still wants freedom, he doesn't enjoy feeling like you suffocate him while he's working (like spamming him with calls and texts because he isn't answering while busy, that'd frustrate him) yet at the same time he got you to the point of naturally clinging to him. “you made me be like this!” is what i can imagine his partner accusing him of. it can just get draining to deal with someone, who has such contrasting values when it comes to love, and his own ego and career.

[a-commas-a-pause]

For me, learning about the less-famous symptoms/presentations of autism cleared a lot of things up regarding this kind of experience. Plus realising that I'm just Way more prone to anxiety than most people and it's likely a brain chemistry thing that I can't really do much about. And also realising that even though I did have one of the most idyllic childhoods it's possible to have, no one goes through life without incidentally accruing little micro-traumas here and there. Especially if you're neurodivergent. Some of my worst childhood memories ever are things like... being told off by a teacher I respected. And I'm incredibly privileged for that! So many people have much worse memories. Most of mine are honestly things that simply Are Going To Happen Sometimes, Sorry. And I had to learn to deal with e.g. being rejected by someone whose opinion I valued. That's a universal human experience! It's part of life! But also - the fact I still remember those experiences years later means that they affected me strongly and it's ok for me to take that seriously and treat myself gently with respect to those memories. I am a very ✨ sensitive ✨ person and that has its benefits (tends to go hand in hand with perceptiveness, for one thing. Also I'm like 90% sure that it's not just the negative emotions that I get at extra high volume but also at least some of the positive ones) but it also has its drawbacks and those drawbacks are real and legitimate.

It's also actually been really worth knowing/accepting that I'm (heavy quotation marks) "sensitive". Because it makes it a lot easier to avoid harmful knee-jerk reactions. I have a conscious policy of keeping my emotional responses to things (often disproportionate, and wildly illogical) as far away from my irl actions as possible because I know there's often no particular foundation to my anxiety. Like I get where the ''trust your gut'' people are coming from - often your subconscious is telling you something useful - but personally I'm a big proponent of "trust but verify" when it comes to gut feelings. And not jumping to conclusions. Rather than wasting energy fighting my own mind with guilt about how I "should be" more resilient, I accept that I'm gonna be feeling a lot of feelings and as much as I'm able I account for that. I used to get in horrible arguments with friends and family because me emotions were just So Loud but I felt like I had to muscle through and continue a conversation because otherwise I'd be weak. I'm getting a lot better about Not doing that these days, and from the outside it seems like I've become a more chill person, but I really haven't. I'm still as much of a wound ball of stress as ever. I'm just consciously choosing to direct it differently - and giving myself more and longer breaks than I was ever allowed to have, back when I was on a strict school schedule.

Anyway I definitely don't have all the answers (or really any answers that you've not already thought of, I suspect) but you're not alone in this, I promise. It happens to me too.

Sometimes I get sad and frustrated thinking about how I had a normal childhood with good parents and incredible privileges and accommodations, and I avoided almost all common adverse and traumatic events, and yet my entire life has felt in my body like I'm being chased through a torture labyrinth by a hateful God

Like okay when i was like 10 I got a regular stomach bug while I was spending the night at mamaw's house and I had a full-blown trauma response to it. I started having panic attacks so bad I thought I was going to die. I remembered every single detail of the night I got sick and developed weird superstitions about objects I'd interacted with. I never wore any of the clothes I had been wearing ever again, except my socks, which I didn't touch for like. 6 or 7 years.

This wasn't an isolated incident. I have searched my memories desperately for some kind of deeper trauma that underlies the state of mental health disaster I've constantly been in as far back as I can remember, and I've got nothing. I was just born too psychologically fragile to be alive.

[starie-leo]

Hi fellow Leo, can you touch on Lilith conjunctions in synastry? Specifically your experience as well. :) I currently have a guys Lilith conjunct my sun.

My Experience With Lilith Synastry

General Meaning:

"Lilith relates to: love-triangles and infidelity, being the other man or woman, sexual allure and attraction; both feminism and misogyny; abortion, miscarriages, infertility; adoption and lost children; outsiders, wildness, taboo-breaking, rule-breaking, sheer outright craziness; wild beauty, wilderness itself and being cast into the wilderness; both inability to love and fierce desire; aloneness; witchcraft and magic; natural power; abuse and retribution. There is more, but suffice to say, I never disregard Lilith when looking at a chart." — https://oxfordastrologer.com

Usually Lilith in a hetero men's chart represents the woman he's both incredibly sexually attracted to, hates and fears, the woman he wants to tame and possess but can't, and Lilith for women represents the dark feminine side, the wild woman archetype, how and where you rebel, break taboos and face punishment, and why and where you get outcasted.

I never actually dated any of the guys I'm talking about but we were friends/in the talking stages. Also I apologize in advance if this is too negative, lilith synastry can have some positives from what I've heard, I personally just never had any unfortunately.

Guy 1: His Leo Lilith Conjunct My Sun

We were friends for a long time and he was very attracted to me — sexually more — and very obsessed with me but he also secretly hated me a lot. He was very possessive and would talk shit about anyone I talked to or was friends with, even though we were just friends and I made it clear that I don't see him in a romantic light. We were similar in terms of toxicity and we also brought out the worst in each other most times. When he first asked me out, I rejected him and he's been bitter ever since. After the rejection, the awkwardness made us fall out with each other for a bit until I saw him again after 2 years and he had a girlfriend at that time too so I thought we could be friends again because I felt bad for what happened. But what I didn't know is that for the time we weren't in touch he was cyberstalking me and was doing the most to tarnish my reputation as a way to get back at me the whole time. His girlfriend hated me a lot too but at that time I didn't know why but later I found out it was cause he would talk about how much he hates me a lot to her and his friends told me he hated me for ignoring him after the rejection (I didn't, he did lol). Then he made a move on me again and he also wanted me to be his side chick so I cut him off for good.

Guy 2: His Virgo Lilith Conjunct My Venus

I was in the talking stage with this guy I met in one of my classes. He was also very attracted to me (once again, more sexually than romantically) and very obsessed right from the start. I wasn't as attracted to him as he was to me. When he asked me out, I said yes and went out with him. After the first date, he started getting all entitled for sex and kept asking me for my nude pictures so I cut him off and ghosted him. A few days later I find out he also had a girl and he was talking shit about me to her and others. Then he broke up with her and started telling everyone and their mother that I'm the one who was desperate to date him and broke up their relationship, obviously none of that was true and I had to clear my name for months. I have yet to receive an apology for this bs >:(.

Final thoughts: This synastry is very sexual, obsessive and intense and in a way is similar to what people consider pluto & 8H synastry. I think lilith synastry really depends on individual charts and can work if both people have a prominent lilith or a lilith conjunction in natal cause then they would know how to handle this kind of energy.

Note: I also had nodal synastry with both of them and I've got natal venus in 12H so that probably played into this too.

@dippindots0

[paperdice]

Hey can I request a headcannon of the ancient Heroes feelings towards a new hero with the powers of all might

(sorry if I'm sending this a second time my brain couldn't remember if I sent it the first time or not)

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐚 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐨 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

"The people, the heroes, even the villains, I stand to set fire in their hearts."

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• And here he thought hes heard some of the most incredible abilities, hearing stories of a new hero arising. Or that's what the cookies referred to them from pure vanilla cookies longshot memories.

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• hes heard of the growing of this hero, even meeting cookies that had been saved by said hero throughout the years. Every story seems to out do the last, one amazing save to another. Such inspirations.

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• He always smiled when hearing of this hero, to know there's a cookie out there with immense strength doing good with their heart of gold. He wondered if he would ever cross paths with this hero..

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• When he saw it first hand his eyes widened. A cookie was holding off a strong opponent that was attempting to attack innocent cookies, for "fun". He saw the hero throw one punch, one punch sent off strong wind behind the opponent causing all kinds of cracks on the dented ground.

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• Some pieces of the ground broke up and went straight flying in the air, yet by a mere second the opponent dodged it. pure vanilla was awestruck, calmly closing his eyes once again smiling that there was no need for worries. Not when this cookie is around.

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• He always gave props to the cookie, asking softhearted questions on how their dough can handle all that strength! Their powers were just like the gems but you know, with no gem!

he gave a quiet soft laugh at his own question, "please do tell me of your travels, i've heard of many wonderful stories with you in the center of it."

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• Though he does admire their powers he does have to tell himself to look out if they're going to throw any attacks, just so he can try can hold steady through the massive air waves and intense rumbling of the ground. Holding his hat and staff at the same time makes it a bit more difficult.

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• Sometimes the rumbling reminds pure vanilla of his youthful days, when dark cacao cookie would strike on the darkness of evil, thunder causing the floor to shake in fear. He's used to trying to stand still but this power was something he's never been around before, so he's still getting a hang of it!

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• He often asks to do checks up on the hero though, he can't help but worry if it's too much for their dough, what if they crack? no matter how many times he gets the same answer that they're fine, he will always ask about their well being.

⋆｡˚♡•ᴗ• pure vanilla is always left impressed when it comes to the hero, he feels a soften pride for them. Their determination for the greater good reminds him of himself in the past a lot.

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° That new hero got hollyberry cookies attention real fast! She heard of a few stories here and there during her own travels, a hero with crazy strength and never stepping down no matter what. How she would love to see that up close!

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° The woah in her face when she heard of the crazy stories of the hero's wins, she gets a good laugh every time! Such a large reputation of someone who's just growing! A cookie that can gain such a title all around must be no exaggeration!!

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° One day while making her way through what she assumed to be a left village she noticed how the grounds grumble was only getting stronger and louder the closer she got from the cause. A cookie up against a gloomy group of what seemed about 10 cookies!

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° The cookie that was all up against the group was also protecting a mother and her children. Naturally hollyberry cookie jumped in to help, what she didn't know was that the cookie was protecting the village by taking down the group so they don't disturb them anymore. (so it wasn't an abandoned village ohhhh)

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° She also didn't know that she just bumped into the growing big hero! All the talk she heard was flooding her mind when she saw the scene before her, she knew it! It was that new hero no doubt! She smiled widely and laughed

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° Sparring is a must! She wants to know just how much power is up their sleeve when up against her shield! The pretty colors that are created when gem and fist collide, the powerful throw back she gets from impact always gets her festive.

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° Poor wildberry cookie, his protests always gets watered down so he has to constantly keep an eye out. Sometimes hollyberry tells wildberry to give it try so he see what she sees but he prefers not.

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° Talks over food and drinks is a must! She wishes to hear about the hero's travels as well, she even mentions some of the stories shes heard in the past so she can get confirmation that it's true. and when it is...

a roar of humored laughter filled the room. "that one was one of my favorites you know? I'm glad to know it's true! tell me, what did the cookie say back after the whole ordeal!" she smiled and patted the heros back.

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° Hollyberry loves to team up with the hero and give them small humble advice since they're so looked up upon, the way she started out in the beginning too.

⋆˚ ౨ৎ ˙˖° She stills goes out too likewise the hero but she likes to write letters to them, letters of how shes been doing and how have they been doing. Sometimes she writes out a story of the hero she was told about from cookies, along with her personal thoughts on it (laughter and jokes) and asked if it's true! She just can't get enough of the bright cookie.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ Unlike hollyberry cookie and pure vanilla cookie, he never heard of a up coming hero. After all, he did spend many years within his kingdom isolated from any outsider.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ But when he finally went out and continued his life, reuniting with his old friends, he did overhear hollyberry being surprised that pure vanilla had met a mutual cookie. She laughed and lightheartedly joked about the cookies personality to pure vanilla while he softly smiled and nodded in agreement.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ Over the time he spent in the village (while gingerbrave could gather up his friends to his side for help) he did hear stories of a hero that often visited. Praises of admiration and hope over this cookie.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ One night he settling down to rest for the upcoming busy day, till he heard pleas, cookies yelling and warning others. A flood. This had never happened before usually when it rained heavily the water would just go down stream but at the exit of the kingdom. It was bordered up with fallen boulders, stopping the water.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ Dark cacao struggled to even get to the wall of massive rocks, the water was aggressive and flowing with complete madness. It was at dangerous levels but he needed to strike down the rocks so the flood could end, while he was barely making it there he swung his sword but before he struck he saw a cookie jump in out of nowhere. punching the middle of the wall and ending the flood.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ This old man is left with a strong first impression by this hero, no wonder there was all kinds of talk, that was nothing hes ever seen. At least naturally, the cookie had no weapon and didn't use any kind of magic, that was all fist.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ Dark cacao cookie leaves soft spoken compliments to the hero, but questioned of their intentions. What was in their heart truly, what were their morals, praises doesn't always speak the truth of a cookie.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ Though that's what he thought during the first appearance n all, now he knows that the hero has no ill-hearted ends to them. He enjoys the comfort of their flowering words, the roots speak volumes and the petals are beautiful, or in easier words they're just a very solace cookie.

"you have a strong will with no welcome to falter, do you not fear to hesitate?" he looked at the cookie with the same stoic face he always has on, they looked back and smiled, as if he asked a foolish question.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ He looks at the upcoming hero with a light of hope, for them to never let their guard down, to never let any poisoned words affect them. He's pleased to know that they'll be fighting on the right side together.

˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡⟢ dark cacao cookie had put faith in this new hero (whether he knows it or not) that they'll carry the weight on their shoulders with nothing distracting them, no evil to creep its way up to their heart, and turn it black. No, he knows that'll never happen.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Ohohoho of course shes heard of this upcoming hero! what can she say? Once word goes around about a cookie it's only fair that the divine radiance would be one of the holders in this word.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Just like hollyberry cookie she was interested in this impending hero, how could she not after all of what she's heard? Powers unlike any other, she wished to meet this popularized hero.

ִ ࣪𖤐 With the help of hollyberry cookie, she did! Nothing big of an impression, the two heroes met she wanted to know everything! It was a rather "friendly possessive command" that she gave to the hero.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Due to how they met this also meant she couldn't see their powers in action and since the hero didn't feel like showing at the moment was appropriate, she was a little salty and doubtful.

ִ ࣪𖤐 But the wait was worth it, to see such a puny cookie take so many hits and throw so many insane counterattacks, their strength being unraveled right in front of her eyes. That cookie never backed down, and neither did golden cheese cookies support.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Talk about the favoritism treatment! Nobody knows exactly how the hero got to golden cheese cookies soft spot hell some didn't even know she can put her pride down for a favorite but they did and now here she is speaking greatly of them.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Spoils the hero with cheese and looks to them as if they're some kind of descendant or student under her wing. She too takes pride in them, she gives off the rich aunt that loves her nephews/nieces way more than her own sister.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Loves to mess about and joke with the hero, teasing about their abilities and sometimes joke that they should be by her side. Of course she knows its not going to happen but she insists that they'll live a life of luxury and safety once darkness falls.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Just like all the others she felt nostalgia being around them, that could be one of the reasons shes grown to like them. Such a promising symbol of peace hope, for all cookies to see that there's still hope.

"hoho now don't get ahead of yourself hero, don't think you'll reach limits further than me!" she laughs with a confident smile.

ִ ࣪𖤐 From a hero to another, she has their back, she doesn't say it aloud but the hero knows that she's always open to come and talk to with any trouble.

quick important note on white lily cookies portion, i never really got around to her story when her update came out, I was busy and the only reason I went in game was for the grind. So due to lack of knowledge I'll get straight to what she would think of the hero. deep apologies! </3

⋆˚✿˖° The heros abilities and powers were just, astonishing. She was deeply amazed and left curious, she wanted to know more, not in a high urgent "I wanna know now" kinda way. In a "please tell me as much as you like in detail" kinda way.

⋆˚✿˖° She's such a sweetheart, listening so intently to the stories and the heros personal thoughts. She told her own stories and from then on white lily cookie somewhat looked up on them.

⋆˚✿˖° She supported them to the best she could, after battles (if she was there anyways) she'd always try to make hero feel comfortable. She's more of an older friend type than the infamous ancient hero by their side.

⋆˚✿˖° She does worry for their well being, she knows first hand its not exactly the safest path to take. And she was in a group! yet here's the solo hero taking everything on their own.

⋆˚✿˖° Because of this she admires their bravery and love for the greater good deeply. She has high hopes for this hero with no doubt that anything can seem to bring them down.

"I'll be right here if you need me, hero." she smiled with a tinted blush on her cheeks.

Sorry it took a whole day to respond, I tried to squeeze this in with the time I had, I hope you enjoyed it!! <333

[destiny-smasher]

What do you like about Nemona

Gahhh, fuck me, that's a bit hard to summarize.

But I have been meaning to do a write up to explain it to people in my personal life. Maybe this is a good excuse to get around to doing so. I'll try to cover the important stuff while not getting as deep into specifics as I honestly could. It'll still be an informal short essay, though, lol

In Pokemon SV, the player enrolls in a fancy Academy on a remote island nation of sorts (inspired by Spain). They meet Nemona after choosing their starter Pokemon, and Nemona offers to the school's director to adopt a starter herself to 'coach/mentor' the player character. You see, unlike any other 'rival trainer' before her, Nemona is already a Champion. Before your character sets foot in the Paldea region, Nemona has already gone through the entire song and dance of Gym Battles and all that, and attained the highest rank a trainer can in the region. She's completely obsessed with Pokemon battling and has become bored of being 'the best' because no one wants to battle her, for various reasons. So she views you, a newcomer, as an opportunity to test herself as a 'mentor/senpai/big sis' figure as well as essentially 'New Game+-ing' herself for sheer love of the game that is Pokemon battling.

People consistently call her 'the girl Goku', but I ain't seen Dragonball Z, so I can't comment on that much. But she is a very enthusiastic, cheerful, determined, battle hungry person who is very into self-growth and self-improvement. At the end of the day, she wants a true rival, someone she doesn't need to hold back with, and who she can look to as a consistent figure in her life. She is very eager and hyperactive about connecting with people through battling.

A lot of people who play the game get offput by her, and she gets branded as a 'yandere' archetype (ie obsessed with the player character to a horror-inducing degree). She gets meme'd as being 'creepy' and 'obsessed' and all that, depicting her eagerness as mental illness and a bad thing.

(gif from a fan animation)

When her behavior stems from positive emotions and a desire for mutual growth and connection, not specifically ownership or possession -- to Nemona, a person who just obeyed whatever she would want of them would defeat the point. That's not what a rival does -- they push back, after all. Within the context of the SV plotline, she is bored of being Champion all by herself, and wants to train someone else to reach her same level, which is why she is so invested in you, the player character, following you around everywhere and being that 'big sis' archetype. There's some selfishness in there, for sure -- she wants a proper rival for herself, someone she never has to hold back with -- but given her social obligations and reputation within the Academy/region, she also I think wants to prove she is capable of handling herself as a mentor figure, prove to herself that she didn't become a Champion by luck or accident (if she can help someone else do what she did, then it wasn't just a fluke, she really does know what she's doing, etc.), and also help prove to her fellow students that she's really not as intimidating as they think she is.

And yet, people both in AND out of the game are quick to write this intense, protective behavior off as 'insane' and 'creepy' -- and as someone who very regularly got called a 'creep' through to the end of college for literally just trying to make friends,' I almost take it personally when I see people label Nemona as a 'yandere' type. It has its comical use and all but I still find it kind of hurtful in a way.

(Art by MagDraws)

Because that's the thing -- if you pay attention to what little story there is in SV (it's not exactly a complex narrative), Nemona's character is essentially a metaphor for neurodivergent/queer people who have hearts bursting with affection and passion for their hobbies yet who struggle with loneliness and isolation as they put off most people from keeping them around.

But at the end of the day, Nemona is just neurodivergent, her special interest is Pokemon battling, and she is simply desperate for human connection -- and battles are just the way she feels most comfortable doing that.

And the world would be a better place if people like me or Nemona were able to become self aware at a young enough age to start managing our behavior, (which she is shown to be learning to do!) while ALSO having a general population that is more open-minded and understanding to the idea that 'oh huh that person's brain is electrically overcharged and they love people and hobbies maybe way way more than I do but that's FINE as long as they're not hurting anyone'

As a youth, I just... kinda got great grades, made honor roll, etc. And it felt like I wasn't really trying? So adults around me thought I was 'gifted', or 'naturally talented'. But in reality, I think I was just neurodivergent, and since I struggled to make friends, and physically wasn't able to see them outside of school due to various factors, I just... ended up focusing on my schoolwork instead. So that's one way I relate with her retroactively -- she is a model student, yet ironically has a bad reputation amongst many.

(HOWEVER, Nemona comes from a RICH family and I came from a poor one, there was some big racial tension dynamics at play in my early gradeschool years, familial breakup shit, soooo there's some very different dynamics at play there)

Another thing I adore about her and connect with in a way no one else in my life does -- she loves one-on-one competitions with others through battles. I don't love physically fighting people, I'm a super non-violent person in reality. But I love fighting games, it's my favorite genre. And there's specific philosophical elements to enjoying fighting games that I think most people don't click with that she and I do.

She is here to GROW, to learn, to improve, to have fun regardless of winning or losing, because the act of spending time engaged with another person, figuring each other out, testing yourselves mutually, is enjoyable and edifying regardless.

That 'warrior's path' of self improvement and enjoyment and growth regardless of the outcome of battle is something I very much connect with and it's great to see a character who feels likewise while also having elements of interpersonal struggles in spite of or even because of the way she functions differently than other people. Again, I don't know much about Goku, but I get the impression he is good at making and keeping friends, while Nemona is bad at it.

On top of this, Nemona has extra wrinkles to her character -- she's physically disabled. The game is vague about it, as Pokemon always is. But she wears an arm brace because she throws a LOT of pokeballs with all the battling she does, and she seems to have some kind of issue there, physically. Also, despite how GOOD she is at battling, she is terrible at catching Pokemon, and seemingly at doing the exploration aspects of being a trainer. She canonically has poor stamina and wears herself out easily -- which, given how high-energy she is as a person, probably happens constantly. So it's also strongly suggested that she spends time not just training all of her Pokemon (she juggles multiple teams, yet another fighting-game esque thing I relate with, as I tend to juggle many characters and not stick to a single main or team), but she also trains herself, physically, to try and keep up with her 'mons, but also as a means of self-growth/improvement in general.

I won't post the examples but trust me, there are many subtle but intentional nods alluding to her being physically disabled, and being BAD at core elements of what we expect a Pokemon trainer to be -- exploring the wilderness, catching Pokemon, etc. But she's so passionate about it, she doesn't let her limitations stop her,

So it creates an interesting internal tension imo because she is not only very queer coded, very neurodiverse coded, but ALSO disabled coded. But she hides her internal struggles by essentially avoiding having to confront them, generally speaking (which itself is ripe for narrative development). Sadly, the game never brings this to a head in way (it's Pokemon, so of course it doesn't). But the ingredients are all there, especially when you add characters like Penny, Arven, and Scarlet into account -- as well as implied expectations from her rich family, or from the leader of Paldea, Geeta, who implies she wants Nemona to be her protege. And I haven't even mentioned that Nemona is Class President, meaning she's actively taking on social responsibility for her peers even though she gets shit talked behind her back for being so obsessed with battling and getting in people's faces with her over-eager desire to bond with/battle them.

This right here -- this is the specific core element of her character I personally connect with that, somehow, no fictional character I've met so far has put into the exact right words with enough context for me to believe them.

From my youth to even now as a full grown adult, I have experienced this feeling my entire life, whether with family, at school, at the workplace, even in most online spaces -- an 'invisible wall' between me and everyone else, and for a VERY LONG TIME I had convinced myself it was because something about me was 'broken' and 'not right'. But now, in part thanks to characters like Nemona, and the discussions around/about said characters, I can see that my brain just functions differently from other people, and a I grow and self-teach myself how to manage my own behaviors/expectations, I can better appreciate all kinds of relationships in life without needing to let go of or sacrifice that internal flame that used to threaten to consume most people I cared about -- that fear of being 'too much' or 'too intense' in my own ways (ways better expressed through text interaction than in person, to be fair, but again, MOST of my social life has been online my entire life, so yeah).

Like Nemona, I found people in my life who accept me for who I am, and blablabla all that cliche shit. But in Nemona, as I do with a rare few other characters in media (Vi from Arcane, Luz from The Owl House), I see a specific element of myself I don't elsewhere, and sadly did not see often growing up. A balance between ferocity and determination paired with unending affection and love. A desire to never give up on people, no matter what, and to be open to change both internal and in others. In Nemona's case, specifically, that element of neurodiverse passion matched with sheer loneliness -- that 'invisible wall'.

No matter what, she never gives up, in battles or socially.

I could go on into specific examples but I've said enough here to get the ideas across, I'm sure.

Oh, and as a sidenote, I think she has a great character design -- it's SIMPLE but recognizeable. The combo of color-coded gear (red/white/black, my favorite outfit color scheme), a arm brace, and accented hair. Her design feels like a plausible human being, but with a bit of 'anime bangs' syndrome.

I should probably mention -- I don't like Pokemon SV as a video game! I am like 160k words of fanfiction into telling a Pokemon story and I think the game itself is stinky garbage barely holding itself together with duct tape and a corporate prayer.

But unlike any other generation of the franchise, Pokemon SV presents a cast of characters with defined personality strengths, weaknesses, and varied backstories, who start the game as strangers, and by the end begin to dip their toes into 'found family' territory. For the first time in the entire franchise, I actually give a shit about the characters, about seeing them grow and connect with each other, because the overarching theme of SV's story, what little it has, is about isolation, outcasts, loneliness, and how found families form.

And Nemona's kind of the heart of all of that, the endlessly hopeful, energetic, eager one that will never give up on you, that irrationally throws affection at you, seemingly for no 'good reason' -- because just being a person who tolerates her and her 'too much'-ness is itself reason to be grateful for your presence in a world where she feels isolated from most everyone else simply by being herself.

Maybe this answers your question!

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

The Beast Wants to Tempt the Little Rabbit (Matias vs Clavis)

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Expect grammatical errors and inaccuracies. Not proofread.

Part 2

Clavis: "This is rather unsatisfactory."

(!?)

Matias: "Is it? This is the first time I've been welcomed this warmly."

Clavis: "Haha, you should aim higher. After all, you should be welcomed by all the citizens."

Clavis: "But unfortunately, I've noticed some of them not paying attention. Therefore..."

Emma: "It's almost lunchtime!"

I grabbed Clavis' hand as he was about to put it inside his coat.

(I'm pretty sure he's going to come up with some kind of outrageous trap.)

Emma: "Prince Matias, are you hungry?"

Matias: "Now that you mention it, I do feel a bit hungry."

Emma: "In that case, let's have lunch!"

Emma: "Prince Clavis, your guest has a request. As your tour guide, I suggest we eat."

Clavis: "Hmm, you really know how to handle me."

(That's because I've made every mistake imaginable back when I was Belle.)

Clavis grasped my hand lightly with a pleased expression, his golden eyes gleaming seductively.

Clavis: "I've already made arrangements for lunch. Let's head there."

Emma: "Thank you, but what's with this hand?"

Clavis: "I'm just responding to your passion. You want to hold my hand, right?"

Emma: "I never said anything like that!"

Clavis: "Come on, don't be shy. Let's hold hands."

Emma: "I don't want to. Hey, your grip is too strong!"

Matias: "Are you two...?"

Emma: "No, absolutely not!"

Clavis: "Matias, stop asking such a bold question. You're making Emma embarrassed."

(This guy is trying to get back at me.)

Clavis gently held my hand and started walking, leaving me feeling embarrassed under the sympathetic gazes of the people around us.

(I tried to regain my composure and think about lunch, and yet...)

Clavis: "Now then, I will treat you to my homemade cooking."

Emma: "Why? Just why?"

I almost collapsed to my knees.

The place Clavis chose was one of the most famous restaurants in Rhodolite.

I thought that for entertaining a distinguished guest like Matias, he would have prepared dishes made by top-notch chefs, but for some reason, he declared that we were going to the kitchen.

Matias: "Miss Emma, you look pale. Are you alright?"

Emma: "Yes, I apologize for causing concern."

Emma: "I just remembered a lot of intense memories from the past."

(I've had Clavis' homemade cooking a few times before that's why I can say this with confidence: his homemade dishes are too unconventional to be served to a distinguished guest.)

(If by any chance someone got food poisoning and it turned into an international incident, then...)

For the royals, poison was the most important thing to take into consideration when it came to food.

(If I were to give up now, there would be no one to protect Matias.)

Clavis: "You should rest. When you're able to eat..."

Emma: "Prince Clavis, there's a dish that I really want Prince Matias to try."

Emma: "It's a classic Rhodolite home-cooked dish, but I thought there might not be another chance like this, so please, let me cook this time!"

When I said this in one breath, the two men widened their eyes, perhaps taken aback by the momentum of my words.

(My cooking isn't something that should be served to state guests, either, but I think it's better than risking an international incident with Clavis' unconventional cooking. Or at least, I want to believe so.)

Matias: "Home-cooked dish..."

(Hmm?)

Matias: "Clavis, I'm also interested in her cooking."

Again, I thought I heard him mutter something, but Matias' serious expression didn't change.

(I can't believe he's so interested.) 

Clavis: "I see. Come to think of it, you've always had a fascination with home cooking."

Clavis: "Very well. Emma, I appoint you as our tour guide and personal chef."

Emma: "Thank you! I'm honored!"

(Thank goodness, I managed to avert the worst-case scenario.)

Clavis: "I thought something like this might happen, so I actually had an apron prepared for you."

Clavis pulled out a white apron from the cupboard.

When he unfolded it, I noticed it had a bunch of frills.

Matias: "A frilly white apron, huh?"

(What's with the occasional sigh-like voice I've been hearing?)

Even when I glanced at Matias, his expression remained unchanged.

(Well, whatever. I have a feeling I shouldn't pry.)

Gathering my courage, I put on the apron I received.

I pushed aside the suspicious ingredients on the counter and picked up only the safe ones.

Matias & Clavis: ".........."

Matias & Clavis: ".........."

Emma: "Since this will take some time, would you two like to chat elsewhere?"

Matias: "No, if there's something I can help with, I'd like to assist. I'll stay here."

Clavis: "It'll be lonely here by yourself, so we'll stay and keep you company."

(It's awkward and nerve-wracking!)

Still, I couldn't exactly chase them out, so I worked while receiving their intense gaze.

Clavis: "By the way, was your queen also good at cooking?"

Matias: "Yeah, it all begins with watching my queen in the kitchen every morning."

Matias: "Cooking together, tasting each other's dishes to understand the flavors, and laughing together after waking up."

(So Matias is already married. He looks so in love, it makes me smile.)

Matias: "But you know, even if she's bad at cooking, it's still fine."

Matias: "It makes it more worthwhile to cook together, and it'd be nice for me to cook for her and serve her as well."

Clavis: "Isn't there a royal chef at Acroite?"

Matias: "Of course there is, but the idea of homemade cooking is just romantic."

Clavis: "Haha, you're really saying that?"

Clavis: "I'm relieved to see that you still have the same perverted qualities you had as a student, even more so than me and Jin."

Matias: “I'm not a pervert. I'm just a regular guy who is devoted to his ideals."

(What's that supposed to mean?)

Their conversation was so outlandish that I couldn't help but stop.

Emma: "Prince Matias, you're married, right?"

Matias: "No, not yet."

Emma: "But a queen?"

Matias: "I'm talking about my future queen."

Emma: "Ah..."

(I see.)

(I've always wondered why such a kind-hearted person would be friends with Clavis, but maybe it's because they both walk their own paths and understand each other.)

Realizing this, I resumed cooking as if nothing had happened.

Matias: "Miss Emma, you're an undeniable genius."

Clavis: "Right? She really is a genius."

(Though it's not much of a dish, being praised like this makes me feel a little embarrassed.)

The main course was a simple beef and vegetable stew cooked in cream, accompanied by mashed potatoes with butter. 

I also prepared a soup and salad consisting of tomatoes, and edible roses.

For dessert, I made simple madeleines.

It might seem lacking compared to the dishes the princes usually eat, but both Matias and Clavis were eating so happily that it made me feel happy.

Matias: "Rhodolite is a wonderful country. To be able to enjoy such gourmet food as home cooking is amazing."

Clavis: "Right? We should praise Emma even more."

Emma: "You've already praised me more than enough!"

Emma: "Anyway, Prince Matias, why did you come to Rhodolite?"

Feeling embarrassed, I quickly changed the subject, and Matias placed his cutlery on the table.

Matias: "I was invited as a legal advisor."

Emma: "Legal advisor?"

Matias: "Acroite is known as the country of snow and law, and I'm called the guardian of law."

Matias: "I'm well-versed in the laws of not only my own country but also those of the major nations, including Rhodolite."

(That's amazing.)

Matias: "I've heard that several new laws are being considered in Rhodolite this time."

Matias: "However, these new laws have few precedents. Setting them up requires the establishment of various systems."

Matias: "That's why they invited me. They seek the expertise of a legal specialist."

Clavis: "Originally, Jin and I were already good friends with Matias, so when I sent him a letter, he responded warmly."

(Ah, so that's why Clavis is personally putting so much effort into welcoming him.)

This was not a story that is irrelevant to me, either.

The law is a set of rules that everyone living in Rhodolite must follow.

Emma: "If you've come for the sake of Rhodolite, then we must put even more effort into welcoming you."

(We have to do our best this afternoon.)

Matias: "No, quite the opposite."

Emma: "The opposite?"

Matias: "I should be thanking you."

Matias: "This falls under the Asbrink family's 23rd precept, which states that one must always repay kindness received."

Matias: "So, could I have some of your time this afternoon? I want to repay your cooking."

Emma: "Please don't worry about it. Your sentiment alone makes me happy."

Clavis: "The Lelouch family also has a similar motto."

Emma: "Yours is just nonsense."

Clavis: "Haha! What are you saying? It's not nonsense. I just decided on it now."

(See? Nonsense.)

Clavis: "So, I also want to repay you for your cooking."

Emma: "Your gratitude is more than enough!"

Matias: "Clavis, I brought it up first."

Clavis: "Unfortunately, Rhodolite doesn't have a 'first come, first served' law."

Clavis: "We can't let a guest like you repay your gratitude."

Clavis: "So, let me express my gratitude to Emma on your behalf."

Matias: "Fair enough. But then it loses its meaning. Shouldn't you respect the will of your guest?"

Clavis: "Hmm."

Clavis: "Emma, what do you think?"

Emma: "What do I think?"

Clavis: "Between me and Matias, whose gratitude would you like to accept?"

(Huh? Is this what this is about!?)

Part 1 ╎ Part 2 ╎ Matias End ╎ Epilogue

[minnlahzz]

Silver Relationship Headcanons.

requested.

yo! this is apart of a very biiig request that I've procrastinated with for a long time. I think this is the time I can write, since it's my break. trying to get the hang of things is hard, please bare with me! I don't have ANY of my old themes aside from the divider and pictures, sooooo it may look unaesthetic/horrifying until I decide to fix something. even if they didn't request this, this is also gift to @amethiosspouse !!

— NOTE LOWERCASE INTENDED.

silver is… complicated. some people might think he’s cold and distant, but he’s really just guarded and doesn’t know how to express himself. he’s not the type to be overly affectionate, but his loyalty runs deep. if he’s with you, he means it. silver wouldn't just date anybody because of hersays or looks, he'd have to KNOW and like somebody forrealsies.

he'd most likely be with a person who is patient, but not a pushover. silver respects strength and independence, but he doesn’t want someone who’ll bulldoze over his opinions either. he values emotional maturity—he needs someone who can handle his quiet moments without taking them personally. sometimes he just needs some peace and quiet.

silver's love language is quality time, he has a soft spot for quiet moments together. just sitting in silence, watching the stars or listening to the sounds of the forest, is his idea of quality time.

sneasel is always around. it’s like glue. like its trainer sneasel doesn’t trust people easily, so earning its approval is a big deal. once you do, though, it’ll start bringing you random “gifts” (like berries or shiny rocks).

but just because you're dating him doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows, like I said silver is complicated. be patient with him, and understand him for who he is! there are many pros and cons when dating this tomato.

there are many pros he has, silver is mature and that's what makes him a good partner.

he’s fiercely protective. silver might not always say the right thing, but his actions speak volumes. if you’re in trouble, he’ll be there, no questions asked. you've got your own batman.

he’s surprisingly thoughtful. he remembers little details about you, like your favorite food or your favorite ice cream flavor. it’s his way of showing he cares. silver is attentive, he listens to people even when it looks like he isn't. he'd listen to your complaints and responds to it with clear answers.

silver will always help you, if you're a trainer he'll tell you tips you've never heard of. if you wanna battle, you've got yourself one!

there's never a perfect character, silver has alot of cons and things to consider. he's still his own person, and sometimes there are things you can't control.

silver struggles with vulnerability. it’s hard for him to open up, and sometimes it feels like he’s keeping you at arm’s length. no matter how close you guys are, there will always be something he will keep private.

it takes him a long time to truly trust someone, and even when he does, there’s a part of him that’s always prepared for betrayal. this can lead to moments where he questions your intentions, even if you’ve done nothing wrong.

when things get tough, silver’s instinct is to deal with it alone. he doesn’t mean to shut you out, but it can leave you feeling like you’re not part of his life during the moments that matter most.

his intensity can be intimidating. he doesn’t mean to come off as harsh, but he’s not great at softening his words.

-

over all 7/10 he’s loyal, protective, and will stick by you through thick and thin, but his emotional unavailability and trust issues make the relationship a lot of work. if you’re patient and willing to deal with this, he’s worth it—but don’t expect a fairy-tale romance. expect a cynthia champion battle difficulty romance... do you get it? (probably not)

[hibiscusseaart]

ok so i have some Tobirama thoughts cuz i watch Naruto rn and over analyzing everything

but whatever i need this character study to get my characterisation of him straight.

So basically I just thinking over what an ass Tobirama is towards the Uchiha clan

and a disclaimer: i love Tobirama he's my fav, I just want to understand him better and PLEASE share your own opinions too! i feel like im making a whole paper on him or smth

Tobirama was basically "I separated Uchiha in their own compound from the main cast of the village and ordered them to make a police force (and everyone knows how people "love" cops, especially in military settlement) not because I hate them. They're just dangerous and prone to mental instability (thinking of Madara much? Dude if ppl feel love intensely, and you don't, it fucking doesn't mean they're mentally ill). But I know some good Uchiha (Kagami who was under his command?? and Itachi who massacred the whole clan for the village????) so I don't hate Uchiha."

Like okay, he doesn't hate hate them, but he IS prejudged af. As much as I like to read stories where he isn't like this and kinda more forgiving, in canon he is an ass.

And honestly it makes sense for Tobirama to be like that (I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to lay his thought process down). Like he fought with Uchiha for most of his life and he doesn't have pink glasses on his nose like Hashirama. He knows they're dangerous and he learned to mistrust them since they're enemy.

And he has his own theories about Sharingan, but basically he thinks that bitches are so sensitive, they can't handle a little hurt and loss.

I honestly think that he's wrong, like I think Sharingan awakens by high levels of stress (maybe cortisol levels shoot up suddenly?) Tobirama is only one man who tried to understand that and he barely interreacted with Uchiha personally.

Ok i just found this but bitch really came up with this theory based on rumors. Dude, please stop spreading misinformation.

Though we don't know their medical progress at this point, so maybe he really didn't know? Like he didn't have enough medical knowledge to get this theory straight. He has his special interest in making jutsu and you don't need to know people well enough. You just need to know how to kill them effectively.

Also, dude, if you (or maybe Senju in general) don't react as strong as the Uchiha, it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or cursed.

Oh and Tobirama thinks he's done GOOD for Uchiha. I mean his brother thinks it's slight for the Uchiha to get separated, living near prison and being avoided by village since they're the police force, but for Tobirama it's a job well done cuz it helped the village. He's a practical man who doesn't even think about feelings like that.

I think with Konoha he kinda played the game like SimSity but IRL. Optimised and used the resources he had to do the best working village. You don't think about sims' feelings when you make them pay higher taxes or make them live near dumpster just cuz you think it's okay and they will manage, right?

Before it was his brother to care for this kind of stuff. But then he died (how the fuck btw? I hc it was a disease but damn in some timelines he died when he was like 42 but damn WHAT could've killed The God of Shinobi) and Tobirama stayed alone. I assume his family wasn't much help and they had a 1st war near, so Tobirama had to work fast and efficient.

just a funny strip "You don't know him like I do"

I think Tobirama was also offended at Madara since he tried to destroy the village he put a lot of work into (lets be real, Tobirama doing most of administrative work is basically canon, not a headcanon, it sits way too right)

Plus I think Tobirama like many people was impressed + scared of Madara. Like he's crazy strong and ofc you're afraid, I get it. But Madara is an exception, not the rule. He's just a freak of nature + I think being Indra reincarnation had its influence too. It's not the whole Uchiha clan, but Tobirama judges them like he'd judge Madara.

Maybe he's a bit paranoid. Understandable since being a ninja and it's what keeps you alive, but this lack of trust really showed through all of the history between Tobirama and Uchiha clan.

Okay maybe hc territory, but I think Tobirama doesn't get emotions much in general. He's very autistic coded and, being on the spectrum myself, I can get where he's coming from. I trained my empathy cuz not having one is considered wrong. Tobirama probably didn't cuz no one told him to or he didn't consume this type of content in his childhood (i trained myself by cartoons lol). He cares, but he doesn't get feelings and makes these kinds of theories, based on rumors (damn dude fact check please).

Maybe since he doesn't get emotions much he's used to depend on other people in this regard? Like people start saying these rumors and he watches himself and is like "Yeah that seems possible" especially since Madara got his big drama time about Izuna. He has big feelings = has strong Sharingan. It is plausible.

I dont think Tobirama wanted to check it for sure, since 1) WHO will let the White demon near their precious eyes to help him understand how they work; 2) it's not his point of interest. he had village to run, jutsu to make, kids to teach. the bitch was busy and it's only 24 h/day

so yeah Tobirama had his reasons but he's an ass lol. like dude did start this chain of Uchiha slander and then when they were massacred he was like "Oh boohoo they self destructed what a pity" DUDE 😭

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

Hey! Hope you’re having a good day! Just wanted to say I’ve become obsessed with your psychology analysis on the Vees and VoxVal. I’m curious, since the relationship is definitely toxic, how do you think the cycle of relationship abuse would work with them? (Honeymoon phase, tension, incident, ex)

Awww I'm so glad you like my silly headcanons, I fucking love writing them <3

(headcanons in question because they are relevant to this post: Vox and NPD | Valentino and BPD | random Vees headcanons)

You know, I believe their relationship is toxic because neither of them is particularly well-adjusted. However, I wouldn't apply the cycle of abuse theory to them. As far as I know, that theory is used to describe relationships that are highly unequal with clearly defined roles of abuser and victim. For instance, during the tension phase, tension grows in the abuser while the victim "walks on eggshells," trying their best to calm the abuser and constantly living in fear of an incident. I can't really imagine Vox or Valentino being that frightened of each other. Actually, that's why I think they are meant to be together - they can handle each other.

That being said, I do believe they have some relationship issues. In episode 2, we witnessed Vox calming Valentino (by yelling at him so very toxic) when he was angry. Vox hates Valentino's unpredictability because he is a total control freak. While he finds Valentino's fiery temper extremely alluring, he also wishes Val would tone it down. He'd like to have a more reliable partner, especially because for him, falling in love was a significant and risky investment.

On the flip side, immediately after Vox managed to calm Valentino down, Valentino essentially provoked him into a temper tantrum. Look at this shit-eating smile; he knew damn well what he was doing.

Vox usually keeps his emotions hidden behind a polished facade, staying detached. Valentino, on the other hand, is all about intense emotions—loves passion, violence, and desperation. He digs Vox's cool business daddy vibe, but it drives him nuts when Vox gets all emotionally distant from him. Vox tries to guard himself because he knows Valentino can easily weaponize people's emotions against them, and he's lowkey scared of being vulnerable. So when he's going through some tough shit, Vox puts up this wall, becomes all distant, and then Valentino feels rejected and starts being a total jerk, pushing Vox away because he's hurting (if you've read my BPD Valentino headcanons, you get what I mean).

So those are the main sources of tension in their relationship. Sometimes one of them snaps. In Vox's case, it means complete withdrawal from the relationship and sinking into work (since he wants a perfect relationship, he rarely even admits he's angry, he's just like "It's fine I just don't have time to see you") which obviously drives Val crazy. Because he's obsessively in love. So to fix the situation he doesn't apologize (since Vox "wasn't even angry") - he just invites himself to Vox's apartment/office and seduces him by acting nice and submissive so Vox can feel in control again.

In Valentino's case, snapping means a violent outburst (though, I don't think he's physically abusive because he knows Vox is not afraid of him and could easily bite back or, even worse, leave him for good). These outbursts make Vox furious because he can't stop them. Then, they end up yelling a lot, throwing stuff around, and sometimes even breaking up. After that, Valentino goes on a week-long bender, just partying and hooking up with dozens of people. Vox, being obsessed, watches everything, and his jealousy always gets the best of him. He finally breaks and sends someone to bring Val back home. Or he personally intervenes, kills whoever Val is fucking, gives him a giant bouquet of roses, and goes all out to prove that he's the best guy Val could ever have. Vox is a showman, so he acts almost like a charming and obnoxiously rich mafia boss from a smutty novel, who wants nothing more than to please his princess with grand gestures.

Oh also I think Val is very sensitive about Vox treating him "like a woman." He's actually very secure in his masculinity; he feels comfortable enough to present himself in feminine ways while still acting masculine. Like I mentioned, he's queer and he totally owns it. On the other hand, Vox still grapples with some deeply internalized heteronormative ideas, occasionally treating Valentino like his bitch. Valentino hates it because he's aware of Vox's sexist tendencies, and he refuses to allow Vox to treat him as though he's beneath him. He genuinely believes in the concept of an equal partnership in their relationship and can't stand Vox's attempts to alter the power dynamics in his favor.

If you like this post you may also like my VoxVal fanfiction

[sangreprince]

Em's Big Long Sappy New Year's Post Under The Silly Cut©

Hey y'all, I wanna say thank you so much for sticking around this year. It's been a wild ride, and this blog has gotten WAY more love than I ever thought possible. I still have yet to start working on the big post I wanna do that shouts out all of my moots, but still I'm so incredibly thankful to all of you who have been here this whole time.

And I know this is supposed to be a positive thing, but I also want to be real for a second here. This year's been tough.

I don't talk about it a lot but I've been really struggling with stuff, and it's things I don't hear talked about a lot. So here goes. I wanna talk about some mental health stuff I've gone through and where I'm at now. Maybe it'll make somebody's 2025 easier than my 2024. It'll end when the orange lines do.

─────────

I'm not a terribly social person, I prefer one on one interactions much more because it gives me a lot more energy to give people and makes me a lot less anxious than group stuff. I have to be pretty exceptionally comfortable to reach the same level of comfort with a group that I can easily find with individuals. And this year what I've really come to understand is how that happens.

I find that when I introduce myself into a group setting, I compare myself to others a lot. And that really sucks. It's not fair to me, or the people around me. I think a lot of it comes from coming from a 'pull yourself up by the boostraps' type household where failure just isn't an option, and I still think I struggle with the idea that I'm 'failing' if I'm not the best at a certain thing. And if I compare myself with other people, I'm never ever gonna be the best at everything because naturally somebody else is gonna be better at some things than you.

For me this habit has been a really big issue in my relationships in 2024 because I've gotten more involved in friend groups. I don't think I'm over this bad habit, but here's what I've learned: You can't compare yourself to others, because you're not them.

You can't be everybody's best friend because people don't need that. I don't think I could even handle more than a few very close friends ( But I don't think I'm necessarily super 'close' with anyone as I think most people only see what I want them to see, and I have immense trouble with actually showing people every side of who I am just because I'm still struggling with feeling comfortable with being truly vulnerable around people and not comfortably vulnerable )

This is hard to admit even as I'm writing it, but I think deep down I learned this year that I have an intense need to prove myself to somebody that doesn't exist. An idea of this 'perfect' version of myself I've conjured up in my head. And to those close friends who've seen me lose it damn near self-flagellating myself because I wasn't the best friend somebody has or best player on the team: Thank you. For being honest with me. For grounding me and splashing the proverbial water on my face and taking me out of my own headspace. This kinda growth is hard, and overnight change is... Unrealistic at best but I try and take your grace and trust that you place in me every day and overcome one step at a time.

And I hope that one day, I can repay the kindness and patience you've shown me. I'm not used to having friends, frankly. I didn't have any, not really, until about 2019/2020. I've always been a recluse, somebody who shied from getting close to anyone as a consequence of abuse. This ( I theorize ) has affected me down to my sexuality, identity, and habits I've taken into other relationships. I've only had true, close friends for about four or five years of my life total.

I am not used to it. And I fear, at times, this is painfully obvious. So to those who I call close : Thank you. You are what keeps me going. You are what I work towards and what I carry with me. I hope that one day I can get out of my own head about this stuff, about this notion I feel to constantly prove myself in some way or another. And I want you all to know that you're the reason I'm determined to make this change, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes.

─────────

Anyway... Now for the shoutouts. This is less heavy than all of the above and in no particular order of significance as I'm just going off the top of my head: I would include everybody I love talking to but oh my god I would be here all day and besides y'all are getting that in the future anyways so. This is just the short list of personal thank you's!!!

@espelharr You, much like the radiant Viktor you write, have been a catalyst of change for me in a lot of ways. You've helped keep me honest, and been honest with me. We're pretty close and I'll admit, it makes me a little quiet and a little nervous because I'm really not used to having somebody I would consider a friend like that. You are among a very small group of people that I can confidently say I dearly trust. I admit it's kind of alien to me. I honestly don't know what to say with regards to it because I'm not entirely sure I've developed the social skills to develop a relationship beyond what we have.

In other words, you've maxed out my friendship meter and exhausted my dialog. Well, not actually. I never shut the fuck up and you know that perfectly well. I know we're both goin through out shit but if I could give you one gift as a token of my appreciation, it would be to let you see yourself for one minute how I see you every second of every day of every year that's to come.

And that's coming from somebody who has no idea of what's to come. But if you'll have me, I'd like to be a part of it. Through thick and thin, wind rain and snow.

Thank you, friend. I am proud to call you this. You get the long post because it's the last bit of Em "I wanna step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable" before I retreat into my ball again.

@lronwilled Shep I'm still so confused how you infected my friend groups and became so close to me LMAO LIKE IT JUST KINDA HAPPENED AND I can maybe pinpoint like. One or two instances of maybe where it began but I still honestly have an immense amount of appreciation for all the patience and kindness you've shown me. I'm incredibly glad to have met you and started to actually talk more and I hope in 2025 I can maybe finally give you more than one reply a year and oh my god I haven't replie-

@untoldwithin / @avatarwithin YETI... I adore having got to know you and plot stuff like we have. Your portrayals conjure the voices of those you portray to my mind, and talking with you about ideas is always such a blast?? I love seeing you on the dash and love doing things just as much. Here's to a 2025 filled with a LOT MORE of all of the above, I'm so ready for it!!

@plasticsouled / @fearedelight Sal I hope you know how much I love seeing your silly little self on the dash. Even your main blog with muses I know nothing about are stuffed full of life and so much passion that it makes me so glad to be here and be a part of it. You're a fantastic writing partner and I'm so thankful to have met you in the last quarter of this year, and I really hope we can expand on everything we have and more in what's to come!! I love our silly lil shippy stuff and being able to talk is always such a joy and I go pspspsppsp for you to give me any and all thoughts whenever you have them because I can't get enough.

@primegrim / @mirkc / any of your other blogs PICHU I'm so glad to have met you this year and had somebody to ramble with. You write like a thousand blorbos but I'm grabbing each and every one of them with both my hands. Being able to talk and plot and do whatever else is such a blessing and I'm so glad you're here with us. if possible I'd take all your characters and raise them up like Simba, I'm such a fan 24/7 no questions asked.

@jinxe RAY MY BELOVED you have been here with me since the Volibear days and I'm so thankful for it. I've made this known several times but your lil meow meow will always be at my heart and you alone have made me appreciate her as a character so much more than I ever thought possible. I wish you were here more because I would be GRABBING YOU at all possible times.

Honorable Mentions:

You guys already know I love and appreciate you so much, and this is by no means all inclusive. If you're not on here I probably just forgor because this post is already long and emotional for me so skdjhfsdkj here goes!

@rotdame / bloom @soulcluster / NERD (I had to) @luxcruor / sailor @curscdtm / nathy @decaeys / my favorite stinky goth irl toreador @venstm / Ray :3 @hexsreality / Itzel @edgymuses / Jolyne @nameaprice / Xena @pompedia / POM @erobret / FERGIE :D @blueheals & @heirashari / Evie @avernusfuries HANNNN- gets slammed through a wall @spiderwarden & @coldjustness Melody @lunaetis / Hina @blackrosesmatron / lucy

Thank you.

All of you.

Here's to a good 2025.